(*Cue dramatic nature-like music & deep voice-over-type voice*) Like a bear – a big, burly brown bear – or wait, maybe a like a black bear, yeah, a black bear – like a black bear, I awaken from my winter slumber to emerge into the spring that is…..the NFL Preseason. Just like the bear, I am hungry – starving for sustenance. For him that means fish and berries – for me, it means Redskins football. And just like the bear, I have to poop, since I’ve been holding it for months. Actually, that’s where the metaphor falls apart, because I have been pooping all winter, but hang in there with me for a moment longer. (*Ahem*) Just like the bear, I’ve forgotten the struggles of the last year, and I look forward to the triumph that the new season seems to promise. And as the bear and I gaze upon the shining spring sun, we’re both thinking the same thing – ‘Man, I hate the *bleeping* Cowboys.’
So now that I’ve warmed up my metaphoric muscles, I’ll get to the meat of the act. I was going to write about how we as Redskins fans need to CALM DOWN and not get all giggly and squirmy just because the team has looked pretty darn good in the first couple of preseason games. But then I thought – hey, why not get all giggly and squirmy? This may be our only chance to get all giggly and squirmy, so we might as well do it now.
I’m not suggesting that the Redskins won’t do well this year, but look at the schedule. Three division games, all on the road, in the first five weeks. Plus a very good New Orleans team at home thrown in for good measure. A one and four start isn’t out of the question. No giggling and squirming going on there, that’s for sure (maybe some squirming, but not the good kind). It’s going to be a struggle right out of the gate, and we fans need to be prepared for that (meanwhile, the Patsies get the easiest schedule in the NFL, how’s that for justice?)
So let’s enjoy this while it lasts. In fact, I’ll just go ahead and make some very, very accurate predictions, based on what we’ve seen so far:
If you take Jason Campbell’s performance so far, and apply it to a 16 game season, he’d complete 80% of his passes, and throw for about 5300 yards. We can go on to assume, say, 57 TD passes, maybe a pick or two (everyone has a bad day), and a passer rating of 4 billion. Yes I realize that the passer rating only goes up to 158.3, but when it comes to Jason Campbell, I employ Nigel’s philosophy that ‘it goes to eleven’ (if you don’t get that reference, then shame on you, go out and rent ‘Spinal Tap’ immediately). I also predict that the networks start using subtitles during Jason’s interviews so we non-southerners can understand just what the heck he’s saying.
The only question of team chemistry will center on whether Clinton Portis will be jealous of Marcus Mason’s league rushing title. Mason’s current stats stretch out to only about 1425 yards over a 16 game season, but we do play teams like Cleveland, Cincinnati and San Francisco, so let’s round up to, oh, an even 3000 yards. Mason will also single-handedly save 48 orphans from a burning building while curing cancer using only his Blackberry.
There’s been much ado about Colt Brennan and his exhilarating performances in his first two games. With Campbell lighting it up all season, Brennan won’t get much of a chance to play, but he will win the championship of the newly-formed Back-Up QB UFC competition, created by the league to keep those clipboard-holders in good shape (and make more money for the NFL, of course). Colt will defeat Kurt Warner by ironically beating him unconscious with a package of Keebler Fudge Stripe Cookies (the same cookies that Warner used to stock back in his supermarket days).
But what about the injuries, you say? What about all those hamstrings? Well, you don’t know it yet because it’s top secret, but Dan Snyder’s scientists are developing a bionic hamstring – patented by the Redskins, so no other team can use it – set to be installed in every Redskins position player before the start of the 2008 season. At the same time, Tanya Snyder is developing the bionic bum, to ensure that the female viewer ship increases (as if it needed to with the addition of Jason Taylor).
And as if it needed to be said, Jim Zorn wins coach of the year AND the Nobel Peace Prize for taking his team to the Super Bowl, and developing a free sustainable energy source (what did you think he was doing while the defense was on the field?). In his acceptance speech, Zorn thanks The Hogs.net for inspiring him throughout the season, and more specifically, that bag-of-donuts guy for the weekly fruit baskets.
So there they are, my predictions for the 2008 season. Call them bold, call them overly-optimistic, call them insane, that’s really for the Mental Health Board to decide. You may say that my assumptions are not based in reality, and to you, sir, I say that you have never read any of my pieces before, or you would know that reality and I do not get along very well. I say that you have to grab ahold of the positives while you have them, squeeze them tight with both hands and suck the juice right out of them, until they lay limp and lifeless in your arms.
Of course, it could be that I’m still sleeping, still hibernating and dreaming of the delights that the upcoming season will bring. And if that’s the case, let me be, because this dream is way too good to be interrupted by your so-called ‘reality’.