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You have to admit, the Redskins have a little something for everyone.  It’s like a buffet at your local Chinese food place. 

You’re an optimist?  Great, come on in and grab a cupcake (with happy face frosting on top!).  We’ve got a 6-2 record at the mid-way point of the season – good for second place in the best division in football, Clinton Portis is tearing up defenses, Jason Campbell hasn’t thrown a pick yet, our defense is ranked 6th in the league, and apparently we picked up another star wide receiver named ‘Santonio’.

Pessimism is more your style?  Swing by and grab a drink from our half-empty glass.  Despite our record, we’ve barely squeeked by two teams that we should have crushed, and lost to a winless team – at home, no less.  Our defense is riddled with injuries, our draft picks are invisible, and our defensive line push is more futile than that of a constipated old guy on the toilet.   

The Redskins are truly an equal opportunity team when it comes to fans, trying to offer something to everyone, to please all types.  Hopefully, when this season draws to a close in whatever fashion it’s fated for, that balance between fodder for the optimists and pessimists will still hold true:

‘I know we just won the Superbowl, but did you see how crappy the defense played?’

That which we call drivel by any other name, would still be as random and incoherent…. 

 Seriously?!?  I just read somewhere that London Fletcher has never been to a Pro Bowl.  Ever.  In his life.  Either the guy sends hate mail to the Pro Bowl voters, or people are not paying attention.  I know many have lamented the loss of Antonio Pierce (who is looking mighty fat this year, by the way), but Fletcher is the heart and soul of this defense.  I mean, the guy pukes three times or more before the game.  He should at the very least fill the ‘Puker’ slot on the NFC Pro Bowl team.

Kiuhorkljdlkjd.  Someone please hire Brian Billick to coach again, for the love of Pete, so he can leave the booth.  Aside from the addition of Santonio Moss to the team, we apparently have a ‘nemis’.  I don’t know what a nemis is, exactly, but someone ought to tell Coach Zorn so he can game-plan for it.  And I thought the CBS coverage was bad.

Can I get you a drink?  A pillow, maybe?  Massage?  I had written a note early in the game that Orlovsky looked fairly uncomfortable in the pocket in the first quarter.  He was preoccupied with the rush, and was taking his eyes away from the receivers downfield.  Well, apparently the Redskins didn’t want to offend the young QB, because after that sack in the first quarter, the pass rush all but disappeared.  The result was that Orlovsky began to gain confidence, and by the end of the game, was sipping tea and munching on cookies back there.

Rule change.  The last I checked, in order to get a facemask penalty, you had to actually grab the facemask.  I guess that’s changed.  Someone inform Jon Jansen.

Same – uh, ‘stuff’, different day.  Once again, the Redskins dominate the stats, but the game goes down the wire, and I think we can all agree that it comes down to silly mistakes at critical points in the game.  The Redskins rank 7th in yards-per-game, 2nd in first downs, and yet only 23rd in points per game.  That needs to change if we want to see this team play late into January.

Attention Mr. Randle El:  The object of the game is to run forward on punt returns, towards the opposing end zone.  You do not get points for the overall distance you run, even if you run from sideline to sideline and back.  Thank you.  Carry on.

Stone cold pimpin’.  As the team left the field at halftime, Mrs. Donuts remarked that Zorn was limping, to which I replied, ‘That’s just his pimp walk.’

Somebody slip something into the Gatorade.  I’m not sure why, but the defense didn’t seem to be flying to the ball this week as much as they have been in recent games.  Maybe Zorn is right, maybe they are tired.  Come on bye week, get here soon.

Case closed.  For those of you who still don’t believe that Jason Campbell can succeed in this game, you’re just being stubborn now.  I watched JC avoid an unblocked rusher, and throw a strike to Santana Moss (or Santonio Moss – I can never tell the two apart).  I watched him audible the blocking at the line to adjust to the blitz  I watched him manage the game effectively, and for the most part, make all the throws.  I’m not sure what else you people are waiting for.

Like a kitten backed into a corner.  I’ve come to the conclusion that this team does not do well backed up into its own end.  The past two games the offense has had to deal with some pretty crappy field position, and it seems as if the dynamic, creative play-calling just comes to a grinding halt when we’re inside our own 20. 

Attention equipment staff:  Whoever is slicking Carlos Rogers’ gloves with vaseline, please stop.  Thank you.  Carry on.

…and he’s so cute too!!!  My guess is that Brian Billick is the president of the Calvin Johnson fan club.  I’m just glad I didn’t play the drinking game where you drink every time he says ‘They need to get the ball in the hands of Calvin Johnson.’  Otherwise, I’d be writing this from a hospital bed. 

Boo!  At one point, Billick criticized Furrey for not looking at a pass directed towards him.  What Billick failed to notice was number 30 bearing down on Furrey.  He didn’t look at ball because he was too preoccupied with keeping his head attached to his body.  Can’t say I blame him.

Game plan.  I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but it seemed that after the Redskins first drive, the Lions sent their safety up into the box, and the running game slowed down.  Zorn then put the game in JC’s hands and the result was a career day for the guy.

Captain Obvious strikes again.  Okay, if I see Calvin Johnson lined up in the backfield on a fourth and four, the guy might as well have strobe lights on his shoulder pads, a siren on his helmet, and a big flashing sign over his head that says ‘THE BALL IS COMING TO ME!’ 

Just the way they drew it up.  It’s the ol’ ‘Own Guy Runs Into the Punt Returner’ punt return for a touchdown play. 

Expletive of the Week Award goes to….The Lions fan.  You know, that guy that was dressed in Lions gear.  He was the only one there, pretty easy to spot.

Best play of the day.  After one touchdown drive, as JC came off the field, Zorn puts his arm around him and (presumably) offers congratulatory words.  The two really seem to have bonded, and I believe that is a sign of good things to come.

And now I completely contradict myself….  After a long time getting the play in, JC is forced to call a timeout at the line, and Zorn is visibly pissed off.  Usually the quarterback goes to the sideline to discuss the play, but given the ire in that general area, JC decides to stay in the huddle.  And some of you say that he isn’t learning.

Looking forward to next week, I’ve said this before, and I’ll probably beat it to death in next week’s drivel: as terrible as your towel may be, waving it around does not make you a football fan.  All it means is that should London Fletcher puke on your shoes, you’ve got something to wipe it up with.  Towels are the same level of lame as thunder sticks, catwalks in indoor baseball stadiums, and bullpens that are actually on the field.   So the next time you’re waving your little towel around, and think to yourself ‘Does this look as dumb as I think it does?’, the answer is – yes.

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2 Responses to “The Redskins’ Anti-Discrimination Fan Policy in Action”

  1. Personally, I was waiving a towel the entire time I was reading this righteous drivel…

  2. It’s too small to be a towel. How about a horrible hanky?


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