Well, once again we at the Six Pack have been fortunate enough to get our hands on/steal (wink*) another entry from Vinny Cerrato’s meticulously kept diary. One thing we have come to learn is that while you might question his football knowledge, you absolutely can NOT question his expertise — you might even call it an obsession — when it comes to Miley Cyrus. He knows things about her that no one else knows and some things that only she should (legally) know which is weird, granted, but hey: the guy is a fan, no question there. We personally think it’s odd/creepy that he dresses up like her and records videos of himself singing her hits but we’re not here to judge. In case you’re curious, he does do a nice job with the choreography but that comes from “hours and hours of tears and sweat and whiskey and mom yelling at me to go to bed” (his quote, not ours). But enough about that, on to this week’s entry from last week’s game.
Dear diary: The trip to FedEx was just a teensy bit uncomfortable for me today, my limo driver booed me the whole way there. I live an hour away from the park. Yeah. I couldn’t roll up that divider thing to shut him out because Captain Snyder (more on that later) got stuck down in the crack chasing an animal cracker horse that he wanted to ride. The driver even stopped at a 7-Eleven to get some green tea to soothe his throat so he could keep on booing. Very rude … I would fire him but he looks like Gandalf and Captain Snyder thinks he’s a wizard so he pretty much has carte blanche. Last year after we lost to the Bengals he “pretended” not to see me in the bathroom on the flight back and peed on me. Captain Snyder saw the whole thing and ran around excitedly clapping his tiny hands while squealing with delight and screaming “he’s putting magic on you!” Plane bathrooms still give me nightmares.
So we took a flight last week to a Six Flags park so Danny could shut it down to have it all to himself. The plane’s captain (and this happens A LOT) thought Danny was a mentally disabled child and took him up to the cockpit where he gave him those fake plastic captain’s wings. Anyway, Danny thought it was a formal military procedure and he’s made everyone call him captain ever since. I hate going to Six Flags with Danny, he kicks everyone out of the park and then rides the monorail the whole time screaming his shrill, high-pitched squeal. He inevitably throws up and I have to clean it up. He never lets me go in the karaoke studios to record a Miley hit because he thinks it’s lame. He’s lame! But then I see him crawl in my pocket and fall asleep on a cheeto and I love him all over again.
Oh, hey, I just got a text message from Chris “the teddy bear” Berman. He’s so nice, sometimes he’ll try to act all tough during an interview but you just have to know where to tickle him. Let’s see it says, “Hieeeeeeeee, miss U lots! I luv u! U totally remind me of Christmas!” Huh, that’s weird, I like the guy but we’re not that close, strange that he would … oh wait, follow up text. “Sorry VC, that was meant for Brett Favre.” Well that makes sense, those two are inseparable. That whole ESPN family loves Brett, they even have a whole slew of donor organs mined from probably not 100% cooperative interns that they keep frozen so one day they can rave about what a great guy undead Brett Favre is. “He’s like a kid out there … granted, an reanimated zombie kid kept alive by the blood of others but still that’s kind of childlike … in a way!”
Well the game against the Bucs is underway. I’m so glad we’re at home this year, whenever we go to Tampa Bay we invariably lose Danny for a few days because he likes to go play in the pirate ship and he gets scared and crawls into the cannon and getting him out is a chore. I have to chew up some strawberry icing pop tarts and regurgitate them into the mouth of the cannon while singing ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ to coax him out of there. You can imagine how long it took me to figure that out. The game is pretty dull but on the other hand I just got an offer: New England will send me Ray Carruth and BOX SEATS TO MILEY for our first round draft pick next year. Um, duh, deal! I tried dealing the rest of our picks to New York for Plaxico and the rights to Strahan’s missing tooth but Jerry Reese won’t take my phone calls. Whatever.
Well, that was a close win. Jim Zorn is standing outside my office. Well, not really standing, he’s walking into the same wall over and over again. Just because something doesn’t work doesn’t mean old Zorny will stop trying it! Danny is trying to hit on what he thinks is one of the Redskins cheerleaders (it’s a raisin). I can hear windows shattering downstairs which means Jason Campbell is playing darts again. Who cares that we don’t have a dart board? As for me, I have a date with the very handsome and rugged Sally Jenkins. What a hunk! I hope she doesn’t mind if I wear a dre … crap, gotta go, a gnat is trying to mate with Danny (again).
Edit: This blog was archived in May of 2016 from our original articles database.It was originally posted by Stephen Zorio