In this PC crazed society, many grown-ups were either never taught that lessen, or have long since forgotten in favor of litigation and legislation.

The Supreme Court recently declined to review the case of Harjo vs. Pro-Football inc. At issue for the highest court in the land was not whether or not the term “Redskin” is offensive, but whether or not the plaintiffs waited too long to bring the case. (Supreme Court rejects ‘Skins Logo Case)

Now I have argued the merits of whether or not the team name is offensive or not in an article I wrote a little over a year ago. (Redskins: Racism or Easy Target?)

Here’s the summary; I’m a nerd.

For the sake of this argument, that’s what I’m calling myself. I wear it with pride. I wear t-shirts with video game logos, and love to talk sports and video games with anybody that comes along. I will bore you to death with my opinions on which is the best racing game to come out for the Xbox 360 this year (Dirt 2) or what I think the Washington Capitals should do when facing their next opponent.

Now keep in mind; ”Nerd” is what I am choosing to call myself. I am not encouraging you to refer to anybody else by that connotation, but you can refer to me as one all you like.

Now you may be like me. You may think that Dirt 2 really is the best Xbox 360 racer to come out this year (it is, trust me), and you may agree with many of the things I think about when it comes to sports. You might not. You may have similar emotions but feel that Forza 3 is the best racer, and may hate the Capitals.

You wouldn’t automatically assume that because I call myself a nerd, that you are also a nerd by proxy, would you?

You may not like it when people call you a nerd; maybe that’s what the bullies called you in high school as they dunked your head into a flushing toilet. You may have deep rooted emotional distress over being called such a thing, but your automatic response isn’t to be insulted by what I call myself, is it?

Of course not; you don’t care how I refer to myself. Why would you? For that matter, you may even agree that yes, I am a nerd.

Now some people might say, well, why wouldn’t they be offended?

These people who think this way have probably never had their heads dunked into a flushing toilet. They may not know what it is like to have people say and do hurtful things to you based on your being different than they are.

The reason they wouldn’t care (for all you “dry-heads” out there) is because there is not intent to malign. I don’t call myself a nerd to be hateful of others. I don’t dunk my own head in the toilet while I call myself such things. I wear it with pride.

Nerds are generally considered “smart.” These brainacs may be socially inept, but they can put together electronic devices (computers, entertainment center components, etc.) in their sleep. They live to pwn noobs in online computer games where they live supreme; taking vengeance on the jocks and bullies who would, in real life, torment them physically.

As far as nerds go, I’m not even the biggest nerd. There are people far “nerdier” than I am. They are smarter, better with computers, and routinely pwn me while playing video games.

It would be ridiculous to conjure up some sort of “implied” offense meant on my part, by what I choose to call myself, because I wouldn’t intend to be derogatory in my own “self labeling”.

If Susan Harjo walked up to me and called herself a “cracker,” I wouldn’t be offended; I’d laugh, if I’m being honest. Even if it was obvious that she was indirectly trying to refer to me. I would think that was the most ridiculous way to attempt an insult I have ever heard, and trust me, I’ve heard them all.

The fact is that the team name “Redskins” was NEVER meant to disparage anyone, and Harjo knows it. She wants the court to conjur up images of brutally mangled bodies with the tops of their heads removed and exchanged for profit.

At no time does the team, or it’s fans re-enact, or attempt to imply that the name means any of that stuff. As a matter of fact, the team has a very negative opinion about “scalping” and strongly discourage it’s practice.

The logo isn’t showing a freshly scalped “injun” but a stoic, brave warrior. The fans and supporters of this team think of exactly what the original team owner thought of when he named the team; a group of fiercly devoted warriors to be respected and often feared.

Even if Mrs. Harjo get’s her day in court with her new barely-pubescent “plaintiffs” she’s going to lose.

She may have an argument that when used in a certain way, the term “redskin” can be very offensive. Such as if a bully were calling her that as he was dunking her head in a flushing toilet.

Unfortunately for her case, it can be found to mean other things that aren’t derogatory, much like shovels can still be called spades without intending offense to anyone because they refer to the shape of the shovel head. Those that are offended by such a thing choose to take offense.

The courts can’t control what people choose to be offended by. There is no way they can determine how, and to what level you were offended. What they can determine is the intent to offend by the perceived offender. You’ll notice there are no laws referring to “offensive smells” and that pornography laws define specifically what is pornographic without determining what is “offensive”.

The courts have danced around this issue because they know they cannot determine what is offensive. That’s why they referred to the statute of limitations on the recent case between Susan Harjo and Pro-Football Inc. Once you start regulating what is, or could be perceived as offensive, then you open up a whole new world where anybody can sue anybody for anything as long as they show that it was possible for them to be offended.

Some nerd could sue me for not conceding that Forza 3 is a much better Xbox game than Dirt 2 based on the fact that my loyalty to Dirt 2 offends his sensibilities. He could then sue me for referring to myself as a nerd, because he had a traumatic experience in high-school involving a restroom setting and has required years of therapy just to cope with hearing the word. Simultaneously, he could sue Willy Wonka, were he so inclined for their candies with the same name. He could certainly sue me for referring to him as a nerd; he could practically do that now.

He could then argue that Harjo vs. Pro-Football inc sets the precedence of allowing one to seek damages by showing how they could be so offended, even if no offense was intended.

The courts are already clogged up with enough senseless litigation; they will never open themselves up to the deluge of “perceived offense” cases.

Mrs. Harjo can continue her attempts, but in the end, it is only a matter of time before a court finally tells her she doesn’t have a case, and strikes out on appeal.

Would have been nice for all of us, if they had done so already…

TE- Chris Cooley

RB- Clinton Portis

CB- Kevin Barnes

LB- Robert Henson

DT- Anthony Montgomery

FB- Eddie Williams

T- Mike Williams

DE- Renaldo Wynn

THN members may recognize some of the attendees:

From left to right

Fios: aka Steve and writer of THN’s Weekly Six-Pack

Bob 0119: aka me

Hoss: aka Kevin and THN’s Hognosticator

Vetskinsfan: aka Dave who recently resigned his moderator’s position, but is still active on the message boards.

Things were going okay, until Direct TV lost the Fox feed and we were left watching a screen that said “No need to call us, we are working on fixing the problem as quickly as possible.”

Thankfully, I listen to the game on the radio while watching it on TV so we were able to hear what we were missing, but we missed most of the second quarter.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I had a great time. I think it made the loss a little easier to take.

Thanks to Vetskinsfan for getting there early, for the burgers, and most especially for the beer.

My apologies to Hoss for not even trying his world famous pasta salad (I didn’t even realize that you had brought it until after you left!)

My apologies to Fios for not having a large enough cup holder, and my thanks for not spilling on my couch!

Vet, Fios, my brother-in-law Billy, and Hoss

WR Marko Mitchell

CB Kevin Barnes

RB Anthony Alridge

OL Edwin Williams

LB Robert Henson

OL D’Antony Batiste

DL Renaldo Wynn.

Washington Redskins’ running back Clinton Portis did not practice this week. Backup running backs Ladell Betts and Marcus Mason split time with the first-team. Head coach Jim Zorn said Mason will be active this week. If Portis sits out, Anthony Alridge would be the team’s fourth active back, along with Betts, Mason and Rock Cartwright.

REDSKINS

Anthony Montgomery (DT)                    Knee                     Questionable

Montgomery did not practice Wednesday or Thursday, and was limited in practice on Friday due to patella tendonitis in his right knee.

Albert Haynesworth (DT)                       Hip                              Questionable

Haynesworth is dealing with a strained right hip flexor but will be available for the Bucs game.

Quarterback Colt Brennan underwent successful surgery to repair a torn left labrum in his hip will need at least three months of recovery time and is on the IR list. WR Roydell Williams is also on the injured reserve list but his repaired broken left pinkie wasn’t a season ending injury. Offensive lineman Randy Thomas was also placed on IR and is out for the year.

BUCCANEERS

Tampa Bay Buccaneers DE Gaines Adams (groin), WR Antonio Bryant (knee), QB Byron Leftwich (hip) and RB Derrick Ward (knee) traveled with the team, but they all will be game-time decisions.

Earnest Graham (RB)                                Hamstring                                  Probable

Graham missed the game against the Giants last week and is probable for Sunday’s game against the Redskins.

Jermaine Phillips (S)                                   Thumb                         Out

Phillips will miss 6-8 weeks after fracturing his thumb against the Giants last week and is out indefinitely.

Jeff Faine (C)                                   Tricep                         Out

Faine will miss the next 3-5 weeks due to a tear to his triceps and is out indefinitely.

Kyle Moore (DE)                                   Groin                         Out

Moore was downgraded on Thursday and is expected to miss at least 2 weeks due to a groin injury.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have placed E.J. Biggers (CB) Shoulder, Xavier Fulton (T) Knee, Josh Bidwell (P) Hip,and Angelo Crowell (LB) Hand on injured reserve and they are OUT for the season.

This week, it was a former Redskin making noise on Twitter. Lavar Arrington had some choice things to Tweet.

Lavar always tells it like it is – much to the chagrin of a lot of Redskin fans. Anybody paying attention knows that there’s always a lot truth to what he has to say.

It’s amazing to me, to think of Lavar pounding away all of those thoughts into his cell phone. Oh how the times they are a changing.

Dan Steinburg did a great job of putting the Tweets into a more readable manner on his D.C. Sports Bog, so you can check it out there too.

There was another interesting NFL and Twitter based story this week as well. After Terrell Owens didn’t catch a single ball in Buffalo’s 27-7 loss to New Orleans on Sunday, many might have guessed that somehow the volatile receiver would perhaps be… disgruntled.

Owens chose Twitter to vent a little frustration in the direction of Rodney Harrison. Harrison you may remember, was also in a Twitter Incident last week; well he wasn’t involved, but he was involved. Okay that’s confusing, check last week’s blog to understand; this week, Harrison was involved in a Twitter incident.

Owens tweeted about Harrison: “Anybody tht using steroids, yes STEROIDS rodney, is a cheater & cheated the game!”

Owens comments were a reaction to something Harrison, now on NBC’s ‘Football Night in America,’ said after the Bills loss to the Saints; that Owens is “more concerned with his own stats than the team’s success.”

Owens went on to Tweet, “Hey rodney! Send me sum steroids 2 the Bills facility next week!”

Will they help you catch a ball, Terrell?

Don’t you just love that synapse of sensibility that Twitter erases? Gone are the days of taking deep breaths and catching yourself, before you respond in a foolish manner.

I clipped what I believe were all of Owens’ ‘pearls of wisdom’ from his Twitter page; they are in reverse chronological order:

• # My bad Rodney! I hv been corrected by ur supporters, u used HGH nt steroids! So, every1 go ahead & use HGH!! Geez, I guess tht makes it …about 23 hours ago from MogoTXT
• # Hey Rodney if I really considered using them, could u please lv instructions on how & where 2 stick the needle just like u did 2 assure …about 23 hours ago from MogoTXT
• # So Rodney, I’m thinking if u overnite it 2day, I’ll get em by 2morr @ noon. Better yet, mark it Priority!! I “really” wanna b a CHAMPION …about 24 hours ago from MogoTXT
• # Since I kno the media reads my tweets, will sum1 ask rodney how long the cycles take b4 I feel results of the steroids whn he sends em? Lol!9:09 AM Sep 28th from MogoTXT
• # Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. PSALM 143:107:31 AM Sep 28th from MogoTXT
• # Sittin n locker rm thinking about wht cn ‘I’ do 2 help this team. A couple of 1sts 4 me, 1st time 1-2, 1st time w/no catches since ‘96 …7:26 AM Sep 28th from MogoTXT
• # Ok! Now I got tht outta the way I’m ready 4 next week’s game!! Gotta keep the faith! Let the critics & haters hate!!!7:07 PM Sep 27th from MogoTXT
• # Hey rodney! Send me sum steroids 2 the Bills facility next week!6:30 PM Sep 27th from MogoTXT
• # Is tht Y u used steroids b/c u were worried about ur stats or ws it b/c u were losing it? Lol! U’re a loser & a cheater? Got any steroid …6:29 PM Sep 27th from MogoTXT
• # I could less about Rodney Harrison! Anybody tht using steroids, yes STEROIDS rodney, is a cheater & cheated the game!6:26 PM Sep 27th from MogoTXT

Another shining example of Twitter’s brilliance.

Twitter on everyone, twitter on.

I’m coining a new term, well sort of, from now on, anyone that makes themselves looks like an idiot on Twitter is a…

Twit.

That’s a capital ‘T’ in all instances.

Terrell Owens is this week’s Twit.

Ouch… you call that a “get right game?”

Can it possibly be as bad as it seems? 3 weeks ago, I was ok… they didn’t look great against the Giants, but, what the heck… I didn’t actually expect them to win at Rutherford, now did I? Last week… a win that was as close to a failure as a win can possibly be. The Ram’s “ineptitude” was exceeded only by that of the Lions, yet we were but an interception away from being down 10-9 at the end of the game. Real questions began to arise about Zorn’s competence as a play caller. I’m left anxious about the next game with the Lions, especially in light of the fast start the Lions had against the Vikes.

Today… disaster. I have seen Chicken Little… and he looks an awful lot like someone I know.

The Danny has some serious problems, of his own creation, to deal with.

There is increasing pressure from some quarters (mostly from, I think, a very frustrated fan base) to fire Zorn now.  But a coaching change now would certainly doom the season, and preclude any possibility of a recovery.

On the other hand, who sees any real possibility (at this point) that Zorn will man up, develop the ability to analyze opposing defenses, create coherent yet unpredictable game plans, call plays that opponents don’t anticipate, begin to enforce some team discipline, expect performance from starters, and on and on and on. So, it appears that NOT making a coaching change would certainly doom the season.

How schizophrenic is that?

In other words… It doesn’t matter what he does… Snyder will be wrong! Or he’ll be right! No, that can’t be right… can it?  This has to be a glorious circumstance for that faction of fans who have devoted the past 9 or so years to trashing the Danny. On the other hand, I know that the vast majority are truly distressed by the current state of the ‘skins… and would have been thrilled to see the team leave Detroit with the 32-6 “get right” victory that we all felt was needed.

Psychological devastation?

There is word that there was no emotion in the locker room following the game. No angry rants. No screaming for reporters to get out. No thrown chairs. No lockers ripped from walls. No expressions of wounded pride.  Just a quiet, defeated, team. Can you imagine the “Over the Hill Gang” (the kiddies will need to break out their “Redskins History Primers“) losing this same game to the Lions? Ford Stadium would have a major hole in it’s side… where the visiting locker room used to be.  Imagine that locker room with Brian Mitchell in it.  Where is the player leader here?

Sounds like Zorn has created the team he wanted. They are “medium”. They play “medium”. They run “medium”, catch “medium”, and tackle “medium”. That’s nice, and all… but, um, Jim… medium ain’t winnin’ you no games. I’m definitely in favor of moving the temperature knob over to SCREECH… or even RAW. Medium sucks.

And, what the heck has happened to the defense???? Improvements in the D line have yielded… a dramatic deterioration of the run defense. Has Gregg Blache taken to sleeping through game film? 4 scoring drives of over 70 yards?????? WHAT???? 2 of them over 90??? 1 of 99????? What kind of cruel joke is this? Defense is our strength… I thought. It now appears they are jealous of all the attention the Offense has received, and are now trying to “out-medium” them.  I hold hope that the player leadership on the defense will stand up and do something.  There are some proud, powerful voices on that side of the field, and I don’t see them tolerating this stuff.

We have the power  to change things (well… at least in our own delusional minds)

As I write, there are fans responding to polls (as if it will make a difference) about whether Zorn should go now, or stay through the season. Fans being fans, most seem in favor of an immediate coup… a portion suggesting that Cerrato must be on the executioners platform with him.

Of course, such a move would end the season… and would probably kill the career of any coach willing to take the job for the rest of the schedule (which, along with being incredibly impulsive and foolish is why it’s probably high on the Danny’s list of options). On the other hand, I can’t imagine what kind of miracle would be required to resurrect the coaching career of Jim Zorn (and with it, the season of our Washington Redskins).

We’ll know soon enough, but my bet is that Zorn gets the season. Whether he gets a clue or two along with that is anybody’s guess. Strap up tight, folks… there’s turbulence ahead.

 I have this recurring nightmare. 

Ford Stadium is rocking.  Redskins ball, third down, 9 yards to go. The thunderous voices of all 6542 Lions fans in the house are drowning out Jason Campbell’s efforts to audible out of the option pass called by coach.  Sonny is in the booth screaming “It won’t work!”  Sam Huff chuckles “He’ll bench you, Sonny”.

The ball is snapped anyway… ughhhhhhh… 

Sonny vs Jim

I’ve sat and listened to “the interview” several times.  I sit, mouth agape, in astonishment, every time.   “I’m sorry, Sonny… I’d have to bench you.”

I want Jim Zorn to succeed.   Really, I do.  His is one of the great stories of the NFL.  No, he’s not a sure inductee into the HOF.  No, he has no oversized rings on his hand.  No, he’s never kissed a Lombardi trophy while screaming “I’m going to Disneyland!”  But he was an undrafted free agent whom eventually became the bright face of a struggling expansion team.  Had he remained with his original team, he likely would have languished in anonymity.  Had he played with any number of other fairly well endowed teams, however, he may well have become Brett Favre.  He was talented, and was a gunslinger.   He played by the seat of his pants… he was fun to watch.  He had guts.   He knew how to call plays.

When he was announced as the new Head Coach of the Washington Redskins, my initial response was “well… that’s… um…  interesting.”  I thought about it.  It grew on me.  “This could be just what Jason Campbell needs”.  A gunslinging coach… one with a love for adventure… a gambler… 

What did we get?  One who is practicing defensive coaching.  “Coaching not to lose” rather than “Coaching to win”.  How odd.  Last year, part of my mantra was “Campbell needs to play with emotion.  He’s too controlled.  He’s too afraid of making a mistake.  As a result, he was missing the obvious. 

This year, Campbell seems to have loosened up some (admittedly, I’m still waiting to see him bring that dragon to the game with him, but there have been hints that weren’t there before).  Now, it’s the coach who needs to tap his emotion.  He’s afraid to make a mistake… As a result, he IS missing the obvious.   I now wonder… was it Campbell?  Or, was it the coach, all along.

When does a halfback option work?  Answer:  When the Run is working and is expected.  As a result, the defense sells out the second they read sweep.

When does a halfback option NOT work?  Answer:  On a passing down… ummm… such as 3^rd down and long… you know?

Yes, Jim… you “called it to work”.  The problem is, it was an obvious passing down, and no one respected your run enough to sell out to it.  Bad call, Jim.  Man up, and admit it.  Stop arguing with one of the greatest “on the field” play callers ever.  Here’s a thought, Jim.  How about signing up for a course at the “Sonny Jurgensen College of Advanced Play Calling”?  They may even have an express course.  Nobody is more of a homer than Sonny… and when Sonny starts to get off the bus… you’d better be listening.

Mike Shanahan is off somewhere, his substantial coaching resume in his left hand, waiting for a call from his friend, Dan Snyder.  We cannot afford to go through another coaching change.  We need Jim Zorn to get with the program, find his old Seahawk gun slinging mojo, and start coaching to win.  Now.  We need Zorn to succeed.

A loss at Detroit may well spell the end of the Jim Zorn Experience.  Heck, a marginal win may not be a good thing, but a loss would be a true disaster.  We are in the NFC East currently…  I can tolerate a lot, but not being the laughingstock of the Division.

They say that what’s important is whether the game goes into the W or L column.  Yeah… usually that is true… but not this week… not tomorrow.  It must be a W… and it must be by 12 points or more… The Redskins DO NOT LOSE to Detroit.  It’s not permitted.  Beyond that, this offense must produce touchdowns… several of them.

I cannot recall any game against a less talented team ever being more important than this one.  Win big, and confidence is restored.  Win small, and the doubts continue.  Lose?  Not an option if the season is to bear fruit.

What to do, Jim?  I don’t know… but calling the game as though you were on the field yourself might be a start… as I recall, you weren’t too bad in your day.  That’s right… I’m suggesting that you trust your players. 

I really hope I wake up on Monday morning wondering why I was ever worried…

This week the NFL was put on the defensive by three separate Twitter occurrences. Both the Washington Redskins and Arizona Cardinals, were scrambling to come up with damage control; all because somebody typed messages hastily into their phone. There was also an incident with NBC analyst Rodney Harrison.

In Washington, rookie Robert Henson twittered some thoughts after the St. Louis game that were the subject of much scrutiny:

“All you fake half hearted Skins fan can .. I won’t go there but I dislike you very strongly, don’t come to Fed Ex to boo dim wits!!”

Since those thoughts were expressed, I’m pretty sure that Robert Henson wishes that he was Jim Henson so that he could make himself a puppet to hide behind.

Henson has taken down his Twitter page now.

Defensive end Phillip Daniels offered some great thoughts on the subject this week in his weekly blog for THN:

“I know he made a young mistake but I ask you to have forgiveness in your heart.”

Daniels went on to add that, “One thing that you might not know is that Robert had bottle tops thrown at him, and had fans spit on him as he was leaving to field to get to the locker room.” Read Phillip’s entire blog here.

Great insight and advice from a senior player. The entire situation has been completely blown out of proportion – this IS a guy that has never seen an NFL game yet; and yet the magnitude of the response would indicate that this was somehow one of the Redskins star players going off on the Redskin fan base. That isn’t to say that a lesser contributing player gets a pass because of their position; but come on… the kid made a mistake in the heat of the moment… do you think that hasn’t happened a thousand times to young NFL players?

Oh wait, that brings me to my actual point – Joe Q. Public wouldn’t have any idea how many times it might have happened in the past, because they didn’t have Twitter to tell them.

You see in the past, there just wasn’t a way for a player to interact with the fan base so directly, so quickly, and so easily. There was a ‘gap’ between a player and a fan – a gap that no longer exists. A gap that was probably responsible for hundreds of examples of players having enough time to blow off steam about something, without it ever making it to the pages of a newspaper.

In Arizona this week, Larry Fitzgerald and Kurt Warner also had to answer for a Twitter occurrence; it seems that Larry’s younger brother Marcus thought that it would be harmless to tweet his thoughts about Warner being an ‘old man,’ and about his older brother being irritated that he didn’t get the ball enough. Fitzgerald and Warner have since assured the media that there is no riff between them, but the point here is that they actually were forced to address it. Marcus’ tweets will require some restitution, “I told Kurt today that Marcus is now going to be one of his volunteers for his (football) camp this year,” Larry said. “He’s going to be taking out the garbage, whatever else Kurt needs.”

Good to see that the damage control for something so inoccuous was minimal and light-hearted; but it was still damage control.

Then there was the incident with Rodney Harrison this week. After allegedly calling Michael Crabtree the ‘biggest idiot’ in the NFL on Twitter, it was revealed by Adam Schefter (on Twitter) that the account was actually that of an impostor.

So that’s three separate, seemingly unrelated incidents that happened this week – but they’re not unrelated, they all happened on that great new social community Twitter.

So what do you think about Twitter, and its impact on the sports world? Is it good or bad?

I think that Twitter is evil.

By the way, make sure you check out this blog and any others on THN’s Twitter account.

:wink:

By Rick Reilly

See what he did there with the headline? Clever! If we’re lucky this column will be filled with more “subtle” and “funny” references. Also, this is a ridiculous premise. You will never convince me some small part of the pasty white, nerdy and no longer culturally relevant Rick Reilly wouldn’t trade lives with the best basketball player ever.

Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame talk was the Exxon Valdez of speeches.

Ha … oh, wait, on second thought that is awful. His speech is “considered one of the most devastating human-caused environmental disasters ever to occur at sea?” It led to the deaths of tens of thousands of animals and, to this day, remains a fairly significant problem?

Psst, Rick, when you’re going to use an environmental disaster as a joke, you should use one that isn’t still causing a great deal of suffering … just a suggestion.

It was, by turns, rude, vindictive and flammable.

Just when I thought the Exxon Valdez joke had run aground (see what I did there?) Rick ties it all back together! Who cares if it doesn’t make sense?

And that was just when he was trying to be funny.

Oh … I laughed (as did the crowd) at those parts*.

*The parts where he was successfully being funny.

It was tactless, egotistical and unbecoming.

Look, Rick Reilly has been inducted into the basketball hall of fame on 19,768 separate occasions (they do a bad job of keeping count) so he KNOWS how to give one of these speeches. He’s like the Emily Post of hall of fame speeches except that one of them is a man*.

*It’s Emily Post

When it was done, nobody wanted to be like Mike.

You might be tempted to think of this as totally unsupportable hyperbole of the most egregious kind. But Rick Reilly polled literally everyone in the world and found that even the poor and starving were so shocked by this speech that they would rather not be incredibly rich, talented, successful, famous and not on the verge of a painful death.

It’s so aggravating when sports writers do this sort of thing, the assumption that their moral outrage is everyone’s moral outrage.

And yet we couldn’t stop watching.

I haven’t seen what sort of audience share the speech drew but we can safely assume that billions of people not only stopped watching, they never started.

Because this was an inside look into the mindset of an icon who’d never let anybody inside before.

Yes, nobody … well, except his family, friends, coaches and teammates … just those losers. What Ricky means to say is that Jordan has never done one of those soft-light, over the top, faux weepy pieces where he bares pre-approved parts of his soul to a hand picked journalist who tosses him a series of softball questions and pathetic one-liners. This is already – and clearly – an attack piece by a columnist who feels slighted.

From what I saw, I’d never want to go back.

Wait … back where? Back INSIDE Jordan? Ummmm … oh dear lord … I feel sick … I just threw up in my mouth. Hold on.

OK, I’m back. Sorry, I had to go shotgun a gallon of whiskey and huff 23* gallons of paint while crying softly in order to forget that last sentence.

*Jordan tribute!

Here is a man who’s won just about everything there is to win — six NBA titles, five MVPs and two Olympics golds.

True and, since we’re talking about his Hall of Fame induction speech, relevant. Oddly enough, Jordan rattled off none of these facts. That’s probably because he’s such a self involved jerk.

And yet he sounded like a guy who’s been screwed out of every trophy ever minted.

I (literally) have a trophy for a fourth place finish in a Laser Storm* tournament which I am 100% certain Jordan does not care about not winning.

*Not an actual storm

He’s the world’s first sore winner.

Rick Reilly folks! Bringing you jokes you already thought of and reacted by saying “huh … yeah … I’m never going to say that out loud” and never thought of again until now!

In the entire 23-minute cringe-athon, there were only six thank yous, seven if you count his sarcastic rip at the very Hall that was inducting him.

Oh wow, that I did not know. In order for a speech to be Classy (as defined by the sportswriters of America) it must include at least 79 thank yous, tears (crocodile accepted) and one story in which the honoree relates a “humorous” exchange with a sportswriter. After all, without sportswriters, sports are just an entertaining diversion devoid of maniacal shouting and poor writing.

“Thank you, Hall of Fame, for raising ticket prices, I guess,” he sneered.

I don’t recall the exact price Jordan quoted but, assuming he wasn’t exaggerating (something Rick Reilly would NEVER do) – and I’ve not seen anyone say he was wrong – I remember thinking 1) wow, that is insanely expensive and 2) really Hall of Fame? You CHARGE the people who are being inducted? That’s ridiculous … and remember, if Jordan had to pay, so did the rest of the inductees who are all presumably more classy than Jordan.

By comparison, David Robinson’s classy and heartfelt seven-minute speech had 17. Joe Montana’s even shorter speech in Canton had 23.

Rick, you are pathetic. You’ve set up this ridiculous premise in which an athlete has to cross some magical threshold for total thank yous and you’re ripping Jordan for falling short of that. I couldn’t help but notice you wrote this entire piece without ONCE noting what a great job our troops are doing. Therefore you hate America and, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say, actively support al-Qaeda.

Who wrote your speech Mike? Kanye West?

Ta da! Who wrote this column Rick? Mad libs? That’s actually unfair, a Mad Libs column would have some chance of actually being funny and poignant and this piece is neither of those things.

Not that Jordan’s speech wasn’t from the heart. It was.

Not that Rick writes sentences which follow the negation rule. He doesn’t.

It’s just that Jordan’s heart on this night could give you frostbite. Nobody was spared, including his high school coach, his high school teammate, his college coach, two of his pro coaches, his college roommate, his pro owner, his pro general manager, the man who was presenting him that evening, even his kids!

“I wouldn’t want to be you guys if I had to,” he said as they squirmed in their seats.”

Here’s the great thing about a column like this, you can cherry pick parts of a speech and, since they are completely devoid of context, you’re free to make it seem as if the speaker is foaming at the mouth. It’s easier to lump all of those people together and act like Jordan attacked each of them (he did not) and went on some maniacal rant (again, not true) because it fits with your personal bias. Note that while Rick asserts Jordan went after several people, he provides ONE quote to support this. That’s because providing the rest would prove that this entire premise is faulty, at best.

He even mocked his own brothers, calling them maybe 5-foot-5 and 5-6. Actually, they’re about 5-8 and 5-9. Michael was the one blessed with the height gene, not the tact one.

OH MY GOD HE MOCKED HIS OWN BROTHERS? DID YOU TELL MOM?

Jordan had decided that this was the perfect night to list all the ways everybody sitting in front of him had pissed him off over the past 30 years: Dean Smith, Doug Collins, Jerry Reinsdorf, Pat Riley, Isiah Thomas, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, George Gervin and Jeff Van Gundy. It was the only one-man roast in Hall of Fame history.

There’s a word for what you’re doing here Rick, it’s called lying. Did he rib some of those people? Yes, he did, in the very same sort-of friendly trash-talking for which Jordan became famous. But the Bird, Magic and Gervin stuff? That’s a blatant lie.

Only very little of it was funny.

Much like your career … hey ya! Oh, you should also note here that the audience was laughing throughout the speech, often heartily. But, again, that fact would be inconvenient.

Jordan owes a roomful of apologies.

To whom does he owe an apology and for what? Isn’t it odd that Rick didn’t bother to contact a single “victim” of the Jordan speech? Wouldn’t a quote or two have made his case that much more compelling? He didn’t because 1) the people in the speech aren’t mad and 2) Rick is lazy.

But it’ll never happen. I know firsthand. He once told me, “You know you don’t get no apologies in this business.”

Ah, there it is. This entire, poorly written screed is all because Rick Reilly is a 6-year-old girl* who holds a grudge over some perceived slight. That’s very classy Rick.

*Literally true

He was like that Japanese World War II soldier they found hiding in a cave in Guam 27 years after the Japanese surrendered. The only difference is, Jordan won! What good is victory if you never realize the battle is over?

Other differences: Jordan is tall, black, American, famous and still alive. Also, he doesn’t lean on the same tired metaphors because he’s too lazy to think of something else.

This is how Jordan really is, I just never thought he’d let the world see it.

Wait, I once read a column that called him an “icon who’d never let anybody inside before.” Oh wait, that was this column. I understand that the very act of churning out coherent thoughts is tough on you Rick but at least be consistent within the SAME COLUMN. Iuahds8duydoisuv siov … whoops, sorry about that, I blacked out from sheer anger and passed out on the keyboard.

His old Bulls’ assistant coach, Johnny Bach, told me early on, “This guy is a killer. He’s a cold-blooded assassin. It’s not enough for him to beat you. He wants you dead.”

Well, this is obviously a literal truth, it’s why Jordan was able to score 32,932 points and coldly murder over 17,000 opponents. You want to get mad at him for the genocide but he’s so darn likable! Oh Mike, you crazy blood thirsty psychopath.

I covered his entire career and saw examples of it throughout.

See what Rick did there? He managed to work himself back into the piece! That’s a nifty trick that we like to call narcissism. Oh well, at least Rick isn’t accusing someone else of that.

Saw him break Rodney McCray in after-practice, $100 shooting games, humiliate him until McCray lost his stroke.

Yes, it’s Jordan’s fault that Rodney McCray struggled from the floor, lots of 31-year-old backup small forwards thrive at that point in their careers. Oh, whoops, Rick failed to mention that. He’s such a thorough journalist; he simply forgot that McCray was at the tail end of a 10-year career the ONE season he played with Jordan. Rick is so totally immersed in the details; he just forgot McCray was known as a defensive specialist which was why Jordan liked going against him. He also forgot to note that McCray shot a very respectable .451 from the floor in that awful year he won a ring with the Bulls. It must have been terrible for McCray to end his career by winning a ring. Poor guy.

Watched him race his car up the shoulder of Chicago interstates just because he didn’t have the patience to wait in traffic.

Watched Rick write sentence fragments because he’s a terrible writer and a hack. Also, I’m calling bullshit here. Ten dollars says Rick never saw this but, rather, heard it and is passing it off as if he did.

Heard how he’d kept his friends confined to his hotel room at the Barcelona Olympics so he could play cards — and keep playing until he won. For Jordan, it was never enough to win. He had to have scalps.

Note that in a column in which Rick has felt free to engage in blatant lies, here he feels the need to equivocate and qualify. Although the scalps part is true, the people of Spain scream in terror whenever ‘Space Jam’ airs over there, it’s like a horror movie for those people.

Now here he was, in Springfield without a filter or a PR guy to cut him off, while his staff must’ve been covering their eyes.

My guess is they were thoroughly enjoying the speech and proud since, you know, he was being inducted into the hall of fame.

And suddenly, it hit you: Michael Jordan is the guy who gets up at the rehearsal dinner, grabs the mike and ruins the night.

One, it’s mic, not mike you twit. Secondly, if Michael Jordan got up and grabbed the mic at 99.9% of rehearsal dinners in America, the night would go straight to awesome. Every guy in the room would be begging him to speak, you would instantly have a legendary rehearsal dinner.

The thing Jordan doesn’t understand is, it doesn’t have to be this way. Terry Bradshaw won four Super Bowls and gave one of the greatest speeches in the history of the Hall of Fame. “Folks!” hollered. “You don’t get elected into the Hall of Fame by yourself! Thank you number 88, Lynn Swann! Thank you, Franco Harris! Thank you Rocky Bleier! What I wouldn’t give right now to put my hands under [center] Mike Webster’s butt just one more time! Thank you Mike!” He thanked linemen, tight ends, everybody but the ushers.

Have you bothered to look at Terry Bradshaw’s career numbers? He’s the most overrated quarterback in NFL history. His career completion percentage is under 52%, he threw 210 interceptions and got sacked 307 times. His career QB rating is 70.9, never ONCE in his career did he crack 90. He thanked all of those people because he HAD to, they made him.

Had Jordan been in his shoes, he’d have said, “Hey, Steve Kerr! Remember when I kicked your ass in that fight?”

Steve Kerr played basketball, why would Jordan bring him up in a hypothetical NFL hall of fame speech?

Jordan owes a roomful of apologies. But it’ll never happen. I know firsthand.

Sigh … it’s all about Rick folks, this tells you everything you need to know. He’s so much more knowledgeable than anyone else because he talked to Jordan a few times. That’s all you need to have an intimate understanding of another human being.

Before his second comeback — with the Washington Wizards — I was the first out with the story by a month. Jordan and his agent, David Falk, denied it, said I was crazy, practically said I was smoking something. Then, after a month of lies, Jordan admitted it was all true. I saw him in the locker room before his first game back and said, “You wanna say something to me, maybe?”

And he said, “You know you don’t get no apologies in this business.”

Rick, I apologize for calling you a 6-year-old girl, you’re just a pathetic, jealous, bitter, unfunny, untalented hack. Six year old girls still have a chance to make something of themselves.

So I wouldn’t hold your breath.

I won’t hold my breath (again, very original turn of the phrase) for the apology that is completely unnecessary.

They called it an “acceptance” speech, but the last thing Jordan seems to be able to do is accept it’s over. In fact, Jordan hinted that he might make yet another comeback at 50.

You don’t understand jokes, do you?

I just hope Comeback No. 3 doesn’t come with a speech.

It probably would since, you know, that would make sense.

Because then I’m really screwed.

On the one-in-a-million chance that Jordan attempted a third comeback, I will publicly wager $100 here and now that he would not, even once, mention Rick Reilly.

To be fair, Rick wasn’t the only guy to write a piece like this one but since he was the latest to the game and put no thought into this whatsoever (and because he sucks) he deserves my scorn. I also want to acknowledge here that I borrowed this line-by-line takedown format from the now (sadly) defunct firejoemorgan.com. If you ever have some time to kill, go there and read the archives, pure brilliance.