Six Pack: Playoff Edition
By: Stephen Zorio
Category: Washington Redskins News
1) Two words: longer replays. Let's put some effort in here folks: yes, as it stands now we get to see the exact same 10 second play several times from multiple angles.
Multiple isn't good enough any longer, we need to see the replay from, literally, every conceivable angle. We know what the play looks like on the goal line camera, we want to see it from the other goal line, even if it makes no sense whatsoever. Remember, it isn't what's happening "now" that is interesting to fans, it's the stuff that already happened, over and over again, in slow motion. It might be time to launch a channel that runs nothing but replays so we don't have to bother with the whole inconvenience of watching the game.
2) Referees who aren't afraid to make a mistake. Look, we appreciate the top-notch officiating, the consistent and logical decisions reached in a timely fashion, the sound and decisive calls that are clearly evident but, as everyone knows, perfection is just another word for stupid*.
Take some chances fellas. Maybe you're totally out of position and have no way of determining whether a hold occurred. So what? Spice things up a little and throw the flag anyway. Look, officiating should be like magic: if you believe it happened, then it actually did. Certainty, visual evidence and logic are dull; be creative. Make things up! If we, the fan, have no idea why you threw the flag, it's that much more fun. And, just once, and we know what a crazy request this is, throw a flag for no reason whatsoever. That would be awesome.
3) We are advanced thinkers** so it's not surprising that we had this little brainstorm before every other person ever, but we see the opportunity to make a little money. How you ask? Repetition.
We watch so many commercials that it's difficult to remember that pizza, cheap(er) car insurance, cars, fast food, beer and credit cards are available for the taking. The solution is to run the exact same promo every 10 minutes for the duration of a three-hour broadcast. Also, if you are releasing a movie in the near future, it is really best that we are constantly reminded of that fact as well.
4) We, like all fans, do not watch football solely (or even mostly) for the games. Rather we watch so that we do not forget that pizza can apparently be delivered to us and so that we can listen to those paragons of virtue known as television broadcasters.
It is a rare breed of human being who has so much to say that he must talk continually for nearly two hours. Yet they exist and occupy broadcasting booths across the nation. So why limit these men? Give them the channel for the entire day and let them discuss every single show on the channel. Imagine how Juck Buck would thrill audiences with all of the ... stuff that he ... kinda ... sorta ... OK, not "knows" per se but has a general awareness of or maybe once read on a cereal box. Television magic.
5) More commercials. Seriously, in the time it took us to write that previous paragraph, we totally forgot the names of some car companies. There was one that started with a F and it has a song with something about a country and that it was someone's country in some fashion and it has two coasts and a highway and farms. Please, whoever you are, identify yourselves 40 or 50 times over the next two days.
6) Pregame, halftime and post-game banter. Enough with the professional analysis and smooth delivery of pertinent information. We want hi-jinks!
We want scenarios wherein the one guy is like "Person A always does that!" and the rest of the guys are cracking up even though the thing the one guy said isn't actually funny in any way. At all. Also, fellas, what's with the robot look? Use your hands! Slash, point and pound to accentuate almost every word you say. Do it to the point that we feel uncomfortable watching it. And tell us what goofballs you all are. Fake laughter and an obviously forced attempt at camaraderie: now that's real fun.
*No it is not, that's not even close
**No we aren't, we spend much of our time yelling at birds
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