The Six Pack
What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans who are tired of being distracted by "sensible" analysis backed by "facts" and "knowledge." If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are "reality" and "logic," then this is your port of call.
1) So ... um ... Sunday ... yup ... ehh ... look ... that was embarrassing for everyone involved ... I mean that was the FIRST time that has ever happened, I promise, and I have no way to explain why I cried for 38 minutes or that ... other thing ... with the cotton candy maker and the ceramic turtle ... I was improvising ... anyway, on to football! (It occurs to me I really shouldn't use this as a diary).
2) You really have to applaud the effort put forth by the executives at Fox Sports, it's one thing to acknowledge Friday the 13th's pending approach but it is another thing entirely to actually hire an undead zombie to do the play-by-play. Hats off to them!
3) ... wait ... what? (I'm being handed something here) ... What? ... Nooooo ... no way ... seriously? ... Can I get a brain scan or something to confirm that? ... I was really certain about that too … oh well. Folks, the joke is on me.
Apparently that wasn't an undead creature but was, in fact, the (still alive*) Dick Stockton. Wow ... now doesn't somebody** look silly for organizing a lynch mob to "vanquish the unholy beast."
I'd like to take this moment to half-heartedly apologize to Mr. Stockton and his neighbors for the pitch-fork-wielding crowd*** that ransacked his home and set fire to the lawn. Boy, do we ever have egg and several thousand dollars' worth of property damage on our faces. Oh well, you say tomato; I say reanimated corpse. I do regret screaming every time we were shown shots from the booth … c’est la vie … or not.
4) I happened to catch much of the first half of the game on the radio, and someone really should wake Larry Michael up before the broadcast starts. It's cruel and unfair to simply mic him while he is unconscious and expect him to … hold on … I'm wrong AGAIN? Wow … huh … 0 for 2 this week.
5) As a Redskins fan it sure was tough watching the player formerly known as number 56 wreak havoc all over the field. This is where the razor sharp broadcast trio of Stockton, Daryl Johnston (a man who still allows himself to be called Moose despite his age) and the inimitable**** Tony Siragusa really shined, in that their effusive praise of old 56 matched his dominant on-the-field performance of one tackle. Huh … you know, when you read that, it doesn’t seem quite as impressive.
6) Lastly, and only because this seemed to work last time, your unnecessarily long and totally ineffective chant for our next opponent (again, best chanted in a sing-song fashion): "Your team’s logo isn’t intimidating in any fashion; according to the dictionary, your mascot is from Uranus."
***Many of my friends enjoy forming angry mobs and are farmers
****In the sense that I would have to gain 400 pounds
This article was released on 2006-10-11.
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