Six Pack: Eagles I
What follows is an answer to the chorus of complaints from the legions of fans that are tired of being distracted by "sensible" analysis backed by "facts" and "knowledge." If you seek shelter from the twin storms that are "reality" and "logic," then this is your port of call.
1) A big thumbs down to ESPN for constantly interrupting their Monday Night Fluff special with a football game. Each time we got a solid count of the strands of hair clinging to Tony Kornheiser's scalp (highest we got to was seven but we aren't very fast counters), we were rudely taken to the field. However, a thumbs up to ESPN for thoroughly answering the following questions which have haunted us for years:
*Will someone deliver pizza to us?
*Can we obtain a car?
*Can we obtain insurance for said car?
*When not driving, is there a type of beer we might drink?
*Does an initially funny concept involving athletes in silly roles have an end to its comic potential?
*Will someone please make a show with cavemen in a modern setting?
*What does Charles Barkley sound like in a MNF broadcast booth?
2) Dear injury bug: Perhaps we weren't clear when we cashed in our good karma last week. The intent was that Jon Jansen heal quickly, not that Randy Thomas also get injured. So we're going to try this again: whatever reserves of football karma we have saved up here at the Six Pack should now be directed to healing Jon Jansen and Randy Thomas and preventing further injuries. That's enough injuries, OK?
3) We are not as reflexively anti-Carlos Rogers as many people seem to be but we do question whether he understands the "bump" portion of bump-n-run coverage. We're also curious as to why the coaches have presumably failed to correct this somewhat significant oversight. For a defense that will rely on blitzes to generate pressure, delaying a receiver by even a few seconds is crucial. So, someone please teach Carlos how to bump. We do have a sneaking suspicion that Rogers is probably the hardest guy to hit on a bumper car course.
4) Why does ESPN pretend Erin Andrews doesn't work for them? Why are we, as fans, deprived of her on Monday Night Football (their most popular show)? Isn't there some FCC equal time clause which requires that for every second we are forced to stare at Tony Kornheiser we should get equal time to listen in rapture to Ms. Andrews? If not, why do we even have a government?
5) With all due respect to Sean Taylor and LaRon Landry, we believe the best hits of the night came from the offense: Clinton Portis annihilating Will James and Mike "He's A MAN" Sellers just trucking Brian Dawkins were our favorites. If anyone has a highlight or picture of the Portis hit, we would love to get our hands on it.
6) We will be at the Giants game this Sunday wearing our knockoff Redskins Hall of Fame jersey that causes people to think we are lying when we tell them it is a fake. As much as we believe in sitting quietly and not tempting fate by talking smack when we watch a game at home, that totally goes out the window by the second quarter/sixth beer, whichever comes first. We hope to return intact next week. We are attending the game with a close friend who is a Giants fan. The last time our friend took us to a Redskins-Giants game, this happened. We're hoping for a repeat.
- Stephen Zorio
This article was released on 2007-09-20.
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